


Uncertainties

by Settiai



Category: Firefly
Genre: Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s01e01 Serenity, Gen, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-11
Updated: 2005-07-11
Packaged: 2017-10-06 15:29:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Settiai/pseuds/Settiai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the beginning, when Shepherd Book and the Tam siblings first came on board Serenity, no one was certain what would happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mal

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for Summer of Serenity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're still flying."

_"We're still flying."_

Mal couldn't blame the boy for being confused. Hell, he was confused. Just a few hours earlier, he had been absolutely serious about dumping the Tam siblings, and now he was offering them a place to live.

There was no doubt about it. He'd lost his mind.

He had to admit, though, the doctor had impressed him. It was obvious that the younger man had never killed anyone before - come to think of it, he'd probably never even fired a gun - but Mal was certain that the doctor would have pulled the trigger if he hadn't done the deed for him.

That's what had made him rethink his plans.

Jayne had made a point earlier though. As long as the doctor and his sister were on Serenity, they would have to be even more careful than usual to avoid Alliance entanglements. All it would take was one wrong move, and he - and his crew - would lose their ship.

Lose their home.

Mal paused for a moment, the seriousness of the situation hitting him. Was letting the Tam siblings stay really the right thing to do? He knew that it was far from being his sanest decision, but that wasn't what he was asking himself.

For him, Zoe, Wash, Kaylee - hell, even Jayne and Inara - Serenity was home. She was everything they had, and he knew that there would be nothing for them without her. The Shepherd... well, that was an entirely different story. Mal wasn't exactly sure what that man's plans were, but that wasn't important.

He might have allowed the Tams to stay, but he just knew that they'd never consider Serenity their home. They'd never see her beauty the way his crew did, never embrace living inside her walls... but he had told the doctor that they were welcome to stay.

Even after thinking it over, Mal still didn't have an answer to his question. Why had he done such a fool thing?

Even if they were on his ship, they'd never be part of his crew.

_"It's enough."_


	2. Mal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Money wasn't good enough."

_"Money wasn't good enough."_

Jayne punched his wall as he stormed into his room, immediately biting back several colorful curses as his hand informed him that he was a gorram idiot. He hadn't heard the entire conversation between Mal and the doctor, but he had heard enough to know that their passengers weren't going anywhere.

The captain was letting them stay just to spite him, he was sure of it. Mal knew damn well that he would have turned on him if Dobson had offered him a better deal, and this was his punishment. That was the only explanation for his sudden change of heart.

He was tempted to start talking to the empty room, let out all of his frustrations on the air. Walls usually had ears on Serenity, though, along with very loud mouths that would immediately go talking to the captain. And while Mal had no problem with people saying exactly what they thought of him, he took it badly when the talking was done behind his back instead of to his face.

Which meant the only thing left for Jayne to do was keep his mind on anything but the doc and his crazy sister.

Jayne reached out and grabbed the first gun his hand touched, and he grinned a bit when he realized that it was Vera. It was as if she had known he needed something to keep his mind off things. Shaking his head, he began vigorously rubbing a cleaning cloth over her barrel.

It wouldn't take long before the captain realized just how much trouble those two would bring down, and - when that day came - the Tams would find themselves stranded on some planet within hours.

Jayne grinned. From what he'd seen of the doctor, they wouldn't stand a chance. They'd find themselves in Alliance custody before the end of the first day, even without some interference from him.

But if he could manage to score a wad of cash in the process? There'd probably be a little bit of interference on his part.

_"Well... that'll be an interesting day."_


	3. Simon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just a little while. Then we'll find a place."

_"Just a little while. Then we'll find a place."_

Simon still wasn't sure what to make of Captain Reynolds, but he knew that the older man had been telling the truth about Serenity being the safest place for River and him to reside. Always moving, never staying in one place long enough to be recognized... it was by far safer than living in one place, hoping that luck would stay on their side.

But he still didn't know why the captain had changed his mind.

Reynolds had been deadly serious about abandoning the two of them, of that he was certain. What had changed his mind?

If Simon hadn't known any better, he might have thought that the captain was letting them stay just to prove that, since it was his ship, he could do whatever he wanted. From what he'd seen of Malcolm Reynolds, though, that wasn't the case. The captain didn't seem like the type to risk everything he had just to prove that he was in charge.

It was a mystery, plain and simple.

He glanced down at River, and he couldn't help but smile when he saw her peacefully sleeping face. The monsters that haunted her were gone for the moment, and - if he hadn't known any better - he would have thought that she was just a normal teenage girl. She looked just like she had the night before she had left for the Academy, curled up in her bed at home.

Home.

It seemed so far away, and Simon felt hollow inside as he thought of everything that he and River had lost. Their home, their parents, their friends. They had lost everything that they had once held dear, and the likelihood of gaining any of those things back was slim to none.

They were alone, lost in the loneliness of space.

The captain might have offered them a safe place to stay for the time being, but it would never be home.

Not for him. Not for River.

He knew that Serenity would never be their home.

_"We'll find a safe place."_


	4. Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is this what life is, out here?"

_"Is this what life is, out here?"_

Book had become a Shepherd for a variety of reason, the main one being that he wanted to turn his back on the past and start anew. Living at the abbey had been healing, helping him see the world in stark black and white - an ability that he had thought long forgotten.

After spending just a few days on board Serenity, he had found himself back in a world where everything was in shades of gray. And it was killing him.

Still, he couldn't help but think about what Inara had said. "Maybe you're exactly where you ought to be," he whispered.

There was the possibility that she had been right, that the ship's name held a deeper meaning than just a memory of a battle long over. What if he was meant to be there? It was his duty to spread the word to those who needed to hear it, and if there was anyone out there who needed to hear the Word it was the people who called Serenity their home.

He sighed as he leaned back against the wall of his room, his head resting against the cool metal. No matter what decision he made, he knew that his life would never go to the way it had been while living in the abbey. If he left the ship, he knew that he would feel eternally sorry for not trying to help the lost men and women living inside her walls... but if he stayed, he couldn't help but think that he would lose himself.

It was a dilemma.

Shaking his head, he slowly moved his body so that he was resting on his knees. Tomorrow would be another day, and maybe then he'd be ready to fully comprehend what he had gotten himself into. Until then, he could pray. He wasn't ready to ask God to forgive him for seeing shades of gray instead of black and white, but he could at least ask forgiveness for not being ready.

_"I think I'm on the wrong ship."_


	5. Kaylee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's my girl."

_"That's my girl."_

Kaylee let out a sigh as she tried to make herself comfortable. The last few hours were a blur, and she still wasn't entirely certain how she had made it from the engine room back to the infirmary. She remembered the look on the doctor's face, though, when he had come hurrying into the room a few minutes after her. It had been a mixture of annoyance and worry, like he wasn't sure whether to fret about her being up and about or...

Well, she wasn't exactly sure what the "or" would be. There was something about Simon that she couldn't read just yet. After he'd been on Serenity for a little while, though, she'd be able to understand him better.

That thought made her pause. Why exactly was she thinking about the passengers as if they weren't planning on leaving?

Biting her lip, she settled back against her pillow.

Shepherd Book was going to stay. Even though she had seen the uncertainty on his face, she knew that he wouldn't be able to just abandon them. Not until they were dead or saved.

Simon and River were another story though. She knew that the captain wasn't going to make them leave, not after everything that had happened. But would they really stay?

She knew that the doctor wouldn't want to, and - as that thought went through her head - she felt a slight twinge of pain in her stomach. Served her right, crushing on someone she'd only known for a few days. Still for some reason, she didn't think he'd leave. Not yet.

Kaylee let her mind drift backward in time, stopping on Simon's face when he had been looking at his sister. No, he wouldn't want to leave. He'd realize that Serenity was the safest place for them, and they would stay.

And maybe he'd even start to think of her as home, after a while. Just like everyone else who lived there did.

That thought made Kaylee smile. Everything was going to be just fine, she just knew it.

_"That's my good girl."_


	6. Zoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She still has the advantage over us."

_"She still has the advantage over us."_

Zoe smiled sleepily as she felt Wash wrap his arms tightly around her. Everyone was alive, no one was seriously injured, and there hadn't been any major explosions or loss of ship parts. All in all, it had been a pretty good day.

Of course, Mal still hadn't made a decision about the Tams.

Her smile faded as she let that thought make its way into her mind. The captain had been dead set on leaving the siblings on the first planet they came to, and - for all she knew - he was still planning on doing just that. And, no matter how much she denied it, that thought made her uncomfortable.

It wasn't that she had grown attached to the doctor and his sister. Hell, she had barely even spoken to the young man, and she hadn't said a word to the girl. Still it just didn't feel right to just abandon them out on the Rim. Not deep inside of her, at least, where she kept her inner thoughts.

But really didn't matter what she thought. Or what Wash thought. Or what anyone thought. Mal was the captain, and no one but him could make decisions that would involve Serenity's future.

While they were on board his ship, Mal was as close to being God as humanly possible. And he'd probably kill her if she ever told him that to his face.

Zoe let out a soft chuckle at that thought, and she felt Wash stir slightly. "What is it?" he whispered.

"Nothing," she replied. "Go back to sleep."

"Wasn't asleep," he muttered as he wrapped his arms even more tightly around. She merely chuckled again and shifted her body into a more comfortable position.

She felt her eyes grow heavy as she settled back in Wash's embrace, and as she slipped into sleep she let all of her worries melt away. Whatever Mal decided to do, it would be the right choice.

Probably not the smartest one, though, knowing the captain.

_"We're just gonna walk away, sir?"_


	7. Inara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You throw them out, I'm leaving too."

_"You throw them out, I'm leaving too."_

Inara had surprised even herself when she had threatened to leave Serenity. Over the past months, the ship had become more of a home to her than anywhere else she had lived before... but she had been willing to throw it all away for the sake of a young man and his sister.

No, that wasn't right. Her threat hadn't had anything to do with the Tam siblings. That had been the rationale she had been hiding behind, but it wasn't the truth.

If she wanted to be truthful, it was Mal's fault.

Mal wasn't a cold-blooded killer, no matter how much he tried to be at times. He had a heart, a conscious, and when he tried to push those aspects of himself to the side, it caused her to make foolish decisions.

Such as confronting him in front of the entire crew.

Inara let out a sigh as she lay back on her bed. That had certainly been one of the most rash decisions she had made in years. As soon as the words had left her mouth, she had known that they were a mistake.

But she didn't regret them.

Inara wasn't quite sure what it was about Malcolm Reynolds that made her life so complicated. She was attracted to him, yes, but that didn't mean anything. One of the first steps in training to be a Companion involved learning to keep physical attraction at bay, so that it wouldn't cause complications.

But, for all of that, she was still sitting there, mulling over Mal - and trying to decide whether or not he was still planning on abandoning the Tam siblings.

That thought scared her.

Even though the months she had spent on board Serenity had contained some of the most trying times she had ever lived through, she couldn't imagine living anywhere else. And because of that, Inara really wasn't certain that the advice she had given earlier had been for the Shepherd.

Maybe she had been talking to herself.

_"Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be."_


	8. Wash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everybody hold on to something."

_"Everybody hold on to something."_

Wash knew how to fly. It was the one thing he had always been good at, and flying had always brought his good things over the years. Flying had gotten him away from the barren rock that he had called home, given him a way to see the worlds and support himself at the same time, and even helped in finding him a gorgeous wife.

It also helped him to forget about being angry at pig-headed captains, but - since he wasn't flying at the moment - the anger was back.

He sighed. During their escape from the Reavers, his mind had been focused entirely on saving their lives... or ending them very quickly. Now that the adrenaline rush was over, though, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering.

It didn't wander far, what with his extremely beautiful wife asleep in his arms, but it still wandered.

To be perfectly honest with himself, Wash knew that part of his anger at Mal was because Zoe hadn't even raised her voice against the captain. That, and the fact that he knew there was no way he could ever make the decision to kill someone who hadn't first tried to kill him - which only reminded him how much of a gap existed between him and his wife.

Jealousy, the bane of his existence.

But it hadn't all been jealousy. Wash had grown up being taught about little things like "right" and "wrong," and throwing an innocent - well, mostly innocent - man out of the nearest airlock fell firmly under the "wrong" category in his mind.

Of course, he was just the pilot. No one really cared what he thought.

In his arms, Zoe suddenly shifted slightly in her sleep. Wash smiled weakly before closing his eyes and resting his head on her shoulder. Whatever Mal decided to do, well, they'd deal with that tomorrow. It would probably involve more yelling, of course, but that was common when the captain made decisions.

Right then, he was exactly where he needed to be.

_"Here's something you can't do."_


	9. River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I slept for so long."

_"I slept for so long."_

River heard Simon leave the room, even though he was trying to be quiet. He thought she was asleep, that the drugs he had put into her were working just as quickly as they were to supposed to.

They weren't.

She slowly opened her eyes and let her gaze drift over the small room. She had heard the others talking about the ship, mentioning her name. Serenity. It sounded like the name of a kingdom in one of the ancient stories she had loved as a child. Atlantis, Camelot... Serenity.

When she had been younger, she had loved to hear the legends from Earth-That-Was. Knights, samurai, elves, wizards, heroes. She had grown up on the stories of Odysseus, Aeneas, Xuan Zang and the Monkey King, Arthur Pendragon, Nie Zheng and Nie Ying, the trickster Coyote, and dozens of others.

Maybe her life was like one of those legends.

Simon was the handsome prince who had left his world behind to take care of the broken princess. The dark-skinned woman, Zoe, was the valiant knight, while the pilot, Wash, was the jester who secretly kept the kingdom running. The girl, Kaylee, was the princess of Serenity whose smile kept everyone from turning to despair.

The beautiful woman, Inara, was the queen of Serenity, though neither she nor King Malcolm seemed to realize the truth. The preacher, Shepherd Book, was the wise mentor, a wizard in many of the ancient accounts. And then there was the last one, Jayne... he was the one who guarded the gates, the last defense in case all others were breached. He was the one who couldn't be fully trusted, because Serenity was merely a place for him to stay - not a home.

The captain would let them stay, because that's what wise kings did, and they would all live peacefully in the beautiful kingdom of Serenity. It was just like the stories she had loved as a child.

For the first time in her life, River felt like she was exactly where she belonged.

_"I didn't think you'd come for me."_


End file.
